10 Most Depressing Board Games

Here’s some advice from a child of the eighties: this Christmas season, give your kids the gift of lowered expectations. Because no matter what Monopoly says, we’ll never be homeowners. Not even on Baltic.

10. Let’s Be Safe!

The geniuses at Milton Bradley were sitting in a room in 1986 and were all, “You know who could make a not-at-all-fun board game? Good Morning America personality Joan Lunden.”

9. Tetris

Do you know what Tetris is when it’s not a video game? It’s a puzzle. A really easy puzzle. This is the most disappointing thing ever made.

8. Ink Blotz

This is great, I really want a child to diagnose my psychological disorders.

7. Finance

“Hey, do you guys want to play this game? It’s like Monopoly but with careful budgeting and property in the sticks.”

6. 90210 Entangle

It’s exactly like Twister, but with Kelly, Dylan and Brandon staring up at you from the game board as a reminder that Twister is better when everyone playing is really hot.

5. Bargain Hunter

Fuck escapist toys! Bargain Hunter lets you furnish your shoebox apartment on a pitiful budget. Just make sure your credit card doesn’t get declined! This could be to the recession what Mall Madness was to the ’80s.

4. Mid-Life Crisis

Actually, this might help me understand why my dad almost bought a Subaru Baja five years ago.

3. Chinatown

Acquire vendor space on a busy road and sell crap to hapless tourists. Exploding Fung-Wah bus sold separately.

2. Divorce

Go from reception hall downpayments to alimony checks faster than you can say “two Christmases.”

1. Left Behind

Kirk Cameron was right all along. Repent with dice.

Share it: