10 Most Useless Archie Comics Characters

Who do we need to be in Archie comics? There's the gang, of course -- Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and Reggie. We need Dilton to invent shit, and Big Moose to threaten everyone. Ethel is there to make the other girls feel hot by comparison (and to occasionally teach us all an important lesson in not judging a book by its homely cover). Pop Tate runs the Chok'lit Shoppe, and Misters Andrews, Lodge, Weatherbee, etc. are all there to occasionally blow their stacks (literally -- little mushroom clouds appear over their heads, accompanying the steam shooting out of their ears).

But really? Just about everyone else can just pack up and get the hell out of Riverdale, because you're either stupid, redundant, insulting, or otherwise useless. Including most especially the following ten -- some of whom are so awful they don't even have images on the internet. There are pictures of people

10. The Superteens

On the surface, this doesn't seem like such a bad idea, the Archies gang turned into superheroes and villains. But really? It is, at least in implementation. Archie as Pureheart the Powerful loses his powers when he has impure thoughts--so whenever Archie pops a boner, he's weak as a kitten. As a comparison, imagine half the people Superman meets in a given day being made of Kryptonite. Oh, and also, Betty becomes Superteen when she pulls her magic ponytail. I mean, come on. Do we need to resort to Ambiguously Gay Duo levels of suggestion in Archie comics? Should it really be that tough to tell if you're reading Archie or Cherry?

9. Cheryl Blossom

Can you tell that Beverly Hills 90210 was popular when Cheryl and her rich twin Jason were re-introduced? The fact that Cheryl has red hair to complement Betty's blonde and Veronica's brunette does not a good character make. The only reason that Cheryl still exists is to allow Veronica to be less snotty and bitchy to everyone, which only means that Cheryl becomes a pale imitation of Veronica, and that Veronica becomes a pale imitation of herself. The only plus side to this is that Cheryl generally shows a lot of benday-dot cleavage.

8. Mr. Ramon Rodriguez
The Vice-Principal of the High School, a formerly famous artist, and most importantly the token Chicano in lily-white Riverdale. One might ask why Mr. Weatherbee needed a Vice Principal after all these years of going it alone, and the answer is simple: to help manage all the token students that have been introduced over the years. Archie comics tends to do this: write one story in which a person (or more often, a family) of color is revealed to have been in Riverdale all along, living in communal bliss. (This is apparently okay, so long as there is only one family from each racial group, since there's obviously no point in going overboard with the whole thing.) Coach Clayton and his son Chuck are there for the African-American vibe (and Chuck has a black girlfriend named Nancy, whose sole purpose seems to be to be his black girlfriend). Raj Patel is the M. Night Shyamalan clone -- an Indian kid with a videocamera. Kim Wong is the Chinese martial artist, Tomoko Yashida is the excellent Japanese student (who, we can assume, will at some point shame her "famiry" and commit seppuku with the fender from Archie's jalopy).

7. Miss Haggly, et al.
Okay, let's get this straight, or else this whole list will be full of would-be educators. Riverdale High has exactly six employees of any worth whatsoever: Mr. Weatherbee, Ms. Grundy, Professor Flutesnoot, Coach Kleats, the custodian Mr. Svensen, and lunchlady Ms. Beazley. The rest of you can clock out and go home.

6. Bingo Wilkin

Bingo is a clumsy but well-meaning kid who has some luck with the ladies, and no luck with their parents. He's hapless, but good-natured, and leads a band made up of his best buddy, who plays the drums, his girlfriend, who mainly stands there and looks hot. Sound familiar? I'm sorry Bingo, but we already have an Archie. His name is Archie. You should go now. The authorities will be visiting you presently to discuss just how you came to be in the possession of Archie Andrews' social security number, driver's license, and storylines.

5. Hermoine Lodge
Mr. Lodge is a successful businessman, and he's nearly always at his estate, ready to be pissed off at Archie for whatever reason. His wife, however, seems to never be around. Maybe she's pulling a Desperate Housewives on poor old Hiram, and messing around with their rotund (but oh, so attentive) butler Smithers. Either that, or "Hermoine" is sort of Mr. Lodge's beard, and Mr. Lodge has always really been with his longtime companion, Smithers. Either way, two things are utterly clear: Hermoine is useless, and Smithers is gettin' some.

4. Jellybean Jones

Jughead's younger sister, perhaps meant to usher in a new era of "Young Archie" stories, instead manages to remind us of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. That is to say: a forced cutesy presence that makes us want to gouge out our eyes with Jughead's pointy crown.

3. Eye-da
Holy god, what were the writers smoking when they came up with this character -- a shapely girl with an EYE FOR A HEAD who actually attended Riverdale High back in the '50s? Because seriously, pass that around. It's the only way this chick is going to make any sense.

2. Artie Andrews

Archie's paternal grandfather--get this kids!--used to look just like his grandson back in the day. He had a jalopy, and married a girl that looked just like Betty, and palled around with a guy named Curly, who was a lot like Jughead. And most recently, the two eras collide when characters from the present take a stroll down Memory Lane. This is a literal stroll, mind you. They actually walk down this street called Memory Lane, and recall themselves in former continuity. I honestly don't know if that's awesome or completely stupid. No, wait, this just in...yep. It's been confirmed. Stupid.

1. Glenn Scarpelli

It's rare that Archie comics actually includes a character from real life--usually, they "Archie-ize" someone such that they're recognizable, but not the same person--like introducing a pop-starlet as "Lindsey Lowman" instead of Lindsay Lohan or a rock star as "Elvis the Pelvis" instead of Elvis Presley. So it's natural that they'd wait for a really, really big star to make the direct translation from the real world of entertainment to the pages of Archie comics. Yes, that's right: they were waiting for none other than Glenn Scarpelli. You know, the Italian kid from the waning days of One Day at a Time. And he was in a couple of episodes of The Love Boat, and he put out an album that went...well, it went, anyway. Oh, and he was the son of Archie artist Henry Scarpelli, which doesn't have a damn thing to do with anything, so shut up.

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