Look, I have nothing against an Antonio Bandaras meets Lucy Liu slug-fest, I really don't, but when you create a completely unbelievable mess where both are opposing assassins or spies or some dumb ass thing and just basically wrap the already wafer-thin premise around a shit-load of explosions, this is the trouble you run into. In the title, ballistic is, apparently, supposed to refer to where or how each of the two is 'going', as in, "Damn, Lucy Liu as Agent Sever is absolutely going ballistic on that guy there!" Yeah, too bad this movie's title -and the film itself- has gone ballistic in sucking.
9. THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Here's a great example of a fantastic, rich, deep film handed an extremely crappy title just to prove a point. More or less, Daniel Day Lewis strikes oil everywhere he goes thereby slaughtering people, a complete town, and the ties to his family all equalling THICK, RICH IRONY! We get it: oil=blood! No one could ever deny this fact as it's been jammed down our collective throats for the entire Bush administration. Worse yet was that the book was named, appropriately, 'OIL!'. See, that makes sense.
8. LIBERTY AND BASH
My buddy Rusty and I used to rent the hell out of some flicks when we were in high school and we'd really enjoy a good buddy cop movie more often than not. So, when Tango an Cash came out with Stallone and Russel, it was cool. What was extremely uncool and dumb was the follow-ups featuring similar names and even more similar stories. This shitty-named movie is certainly, and unfortunately, one of them.
7. KINKY BOOTS
I've never seen this piece of obvious trash with a God-awful title, so here's a little synopsis: Man sells fetish boots to save his family. It's the story of Divine. Ok, I'll bite. Stupid title, though.
6. NIGHT OF THE LEPUS
Oh, goodness have I seen this thing. Taking place in the fifties during the inundation of films that feature marauding animals of every species and type, I suppose the studios figured, 'why not rabbits?' Why not, indeed. Why, on the other hand, did they have to make everyone in the audience cock their heads to the side in questioning stupor while wondering what a lepus is. Shit, even Bunny Bloodbath would have been a better title. Sort of.
5. THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES
Lord I wish I was making that up. This movie is, in and of itself, wretched to the Nth degree and made only slightly less so by the good folks at MST3K. Yet, despite the fact that the title is basically a jumbled mess of randomly slapped-together words... no, wait, I meant 'because'... and that is exactly why it sucks.
4. FIGHT, BATMAN! FIGHT!
As opposed to, say, what his typical day consists of? Crocheting? Bocce ball? Bite me?
3. THE BLACK GESTAPO
These last three are horrible, horrible Blacksploitation movies from years ago before, evidently, this kind of thing was intensely frowned upon. No, I have not see this and, equally no, I have zero intention of every even attempting to find it. I mean, those two things just don't even remotely go together. It's like oil and Jell-O, for fuck sake!
2. BORN BLACK
Whew. This one just begs for a slew of comments not one of which I feel comfortable about making. I'll just let it slide and slowly back away into our number one...
1. BOSS NIGGER
Oh God.
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