10 Most Scary Movie Moments

Halloween is here and with it comes annoying near-toddlers asking for candy while you try to enjoy your favorite after dark scary movie. Since your likely to miss the good stuff I’ve laid out the 10 scariest scenes you should not miss…

10. Face Off (1997) – Castor Troy discusses contraceptives with Jamie Archer.

Castor Troy: Do you have protection?
Jamie Archer: Protection? You mean like condoms?
Castor Troy: [pulls out his switchblade] No. Protection. Next time, let Carl drop his pants, slip this in his thigh, turn it. That way the wound won’t close…

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
It shows that women are raised to assume that every time any male drops his pants he is looking to rape her. Let’s hope she doesn’t become a doctor.

9. Go (1999) – Todd and Claire talk about what they want for Christmas.

Todd: What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
Claire: …I don’t know.
Todd: You wanna get laid?
Claire: No.
Todd: No, you don’t wanna get laid, or no, you do, but you don’t wanna get laid – with me?

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
We’ve all been around that guy that is trying to screw everyone… In a way you want to send him off to meet Jamie Archer and her trusty switchblade. Todd sucks, he wants to bang Claire, you, me, everyone you work with, and the majority of your siblings. Todd is a dick.

8. Rain Man (1988) - Susanna and Charlie discuss troubles with Raymond.

Susanna: You use me, you use Raymond, you use everybody.
Charlie: Using Raymond? Hey Raymond, am I using you? Am I using you Raymond?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: Shut up! He is answering a question from a half hour ago!

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
Think of every place you’ve ever worked at. Then think of how much you’d rather work with Raymond than someone you do actually work with. This is scary because the people you work with are not autistic. They are just idiots, and a good day for you is when they actually get around to answering a question you asked a half hour ago.

7. Rat Race (2001) - Nick Schaffer discusses his hotel bill.

Nick Schaffer: What’s this $110?
Hotel Clerk: Those are your in-room movies.
Nick Schaffer: No, I didn’t watch any movies.
Hotel Clerk: Okay, let’s see… Afro Whores.
Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores?
Hotel Clerk: You watched it… let’s see… uh, 11 times.
Nick Schaffer: No, no, no…
Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o’clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores.
Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn’t watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record.
Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir.
Nick Schaffer: It… It’s a delete.
Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it?
Nick Schaffer: None! I didn’t watch it!
Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? ‘Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters…’
Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don’t need to know what it’s about! I did not watch it! I didn’t.

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
I’ve seen afro whores.

6. The Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew (1983) - Bob Mackenzie recounts the loss of his brother.

Bob McKenzie: My brother and I used to say that drownin’ in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he’s not here, and I’ve got two soakers… this isn’t heaven, this sucks.

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
This scene depicts the core of family values. Regardless of how much you have in your bank account, how successful your job is, if your brother isn’t there to share a beer with you, you might as well be in hell. Loneliness is scary, and so is this scene.

5. Cocoon (1985) - Art, Ben and Joseph have a light hearted discussion concerning their virility.

Art Selwyn: [singing] Oh I’m in the mood for love.
Ben Luckett: Will you listen to this guy, he’ll be chasing them dogs ’till his dick runs off.
Art Selwyn: Oh I’m too old for that sort of thing.
Joseph Finley: Age isn’t everything.
Art Selwyn: Nope.
Joseph Finley: Anyway it’s all up here. [gestures to his head]
Ben Luckett: Not all up there, Pal. Some of it’s down here, which I might add is stiff as a board.
Art Selwyn: You too? You got a boner too?
Ben Luckett: Blue steel. Cat couldn’t scratch it.
Joseph Finley: I thought I was the only one.
Art Selwyn: [singing] We’re in the mood for love, simply because we’ve got one.

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
If you gotta ask why 3 old guys singing and discussing hard-ons isn’t scary then you must have had some very interesting discussions with your grandfather.

4. Mom And Dad Save The World (1992) - Dick Nelson confronts Emperor Todd Spengo.

Dick Nelson: That’s my wife you got there! That’s my planet you’re blowing up! And that’s… that’s just some guy I met, but still, I think this thing has gone just a little too far!

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
When I was about nine years old, my father took me to the nearby air force base to retrieve a broken down vehicle. I had to drive that fucking thing about eight miles by myself with no one with me and I was to meet my father at home. Getting the car into drive was a nightmare, clearing the security checkpoint at the air force base almost made me shit my pants, and then once I got to the block I lived on, I turned right, hit the curb and the rear right tire blew. THEN I GOT FUCKING YELLED AT. Just thinking of anyone’s father trying to negotiate with someone would be enough cause to have them blow up the planet.
Fuck that movie.

3. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) - Spicoli Orders A Pizza - In this famous scene Spicoli has a pizza delivered to class. The hard ass teacher ‘Mr. Hand’ reprimands him as hilarity ensues.

Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you’re doing?
Spicoli: Learning about Cuba , and having some food.

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
What Spicoli doesn’t understand is that he is not only learning about Cuba , he is having his teacher’s religious views forced upon him. By asking Spicoli what the ‘hell’ he thinks he’s doing, Mr. Hand is implying that there not only is a hell, but Spicoli is there doing something. This lead to a number of teachers at the time seeing this as acceptable behavior and making students in their class recite prayers so they would know “what in the hell they thought they were doing”. This escalated to a point where in 1985 (Wallace V. Jaffree) a concerned parent had to sue the state of Alabama because teachers were setting aside learning time for “a moment of silent meditation or voluntary prayer” and encouraging students to lead and participate in classroom prayer.

2. The Breakfast Club (1985) - Bender Tears Up Books - In this scene John Bender is sitting atop a bookshelf in the library.

Andrew Clare: That’s real intelligent.
John Bender: You’re right. It’s wrong to destroy literature. It’s such fun to read. And [examines the title] Moe-Lay really pumps my nads.
Claire Standish: Moliere

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
Moliere died of pulmonary tuberculosis which is a very contagious bacteria. If Moliere were to pump John Bender’s nads this would lead to Genitourinary Tuberculosis (GUTB). Sure, Bender would be looking at a 10-15 years before the clinical symptoms kicked in, but after that he would be coughing up blood, frequently urinating (with blood), finding genital ulcers, see testicular swelling and become infertile.
Richard Vernon: You want to see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years. You’ll see how god damned funny he is.

1. Monster Squad (1987) - Wolfman Has Nards - The setup for the scene involves a dark creepy mansion. Sean the “Leader of this squad” is looking for Dracula’s amulet. Horace the signature fat kid huddles a few feet behind him. Out of nowhere Wolfman jumps out between Sean and Horace. Horace screams “RUN!” as Sean turns around to find a very pissed off wolfman trying to decide who to kill first. The Wolfman turns his attention to Horace.

Sean: Kick him in the nards!
Horace: He doesn’t have nards!
Horace finds that his leader is much more intimidating than some bitch ass werewolf and darts up to certain death and plunges his right foot deep into wolfman’s man parts.
Wolfman goes down.

Why This Scene Is So Scary:
This is a very important yet bone chilling scene working as a metaphor for our society, that no matter what monsters lurk in our dark alleys, no matter what creatures hide in those desolate woods outside of town, no matter what slithering beasts may crawl out from our toilets, they all have nards. Not only that, they also have reproductive organs… and they all want to fuck you.

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