10. The Dénouement
Have you ever found yourself on a date early on in a relationship, or in some other situation where you cannot allow yourself to fart, but you had also ingested $17 worth of Taco Bell earlier in the day? And it builds and builds and builds, and you just have to grin and bear it? The date’s going well, and you would LOVE for it to continue, but with each passing minute you grow closer to letting it slip and can barely walk due to the pressure, and some action is going to be required. So after dinner and a movie she seems like she’s having a good time and dropping some signals, so you decide to go out for a post-movie drink to keep things going. Naturally, once you’re at the bar, you need to excuse yourself to use the men’s room, which OF COURSE is occupied by someone with the biggest bladder and the smallest sense of urgency. Finally, you get into the bathroom and you start to urinate, but really, that’s just foreplay to the main event, which is when you allow your brown eye erupt with a cheek slapper so momentous that you have to close your eyes, thinking that the ghosts from the arc of the covenant are going to escape from your ass and make everyone who looks them in the eyes melt. Afterwards you feel like a different man, and are actually disappointed that the dense stank didn’t hang in the air a little longer, after the grueling gastric labor you had endured for the previous couple of hours. In that moment, the date happening is in a different dimension, and honestly, unless she’s putting out and is more fun than Phoenix Marie, that fart is going to be the thing you’re going to be telling your buddies about the next day.
9. The Come-backer
You when you’re having a conversation about bands from the 1960’s and you’re trying to argue about who was better than who? And then it gets all quiet and someone says “You know who I always liked?” and then they fart? That’s the come-backer. It’s been a staple of juvenile humor since 1929 and has made more people laugh than Richard Pryor. When executed well, it is it’s own reward, and one of the best ways to appropriately pass gas in public. However, if you quiet everyone down and then fail to launch a authoritative toot, you will earn the scorn of all those looking on.
8. The Face Hugger
OK, I’m going to preface this one by saying personally that I think it’s an invasion of another person and should probably be considered rape. That said, it still an epidemic that plagues male college students and younger men and has since long before anyone knew anything about tea-bagging. The Face Hugger (named after the baby alien from “Alien”) is when one opens their cheeks wide, revealing a bare asshole to a victim that is either unaware of the ass or is being forcefully restrained and then letting them have it. Like a few other farts, this one is used for evil, however, to be the one administering one will give you complete dominion over the person you do it to for the rest of your lives (or until he gets you back). Note that this is also one of the few scenarios on this list where if you shit yourself it might actually make it even more classic.
7. Just the Tip
So far this list has been all fun and games, but this next one is deathly serious. We all know what farting often means… you have to shit… just not YET. The oven is on, but the roast is still too rare. Sometimes, you will fart a LOT, just the way a good piece of meat might smell up (in a good way) an entire house en route to being served. Each fart is pushing that shit back a little, but if you keep doing that too much it’s also like playing German Roulette (the Russians just don’t have the history with feces required here) and eventually there will be a bullet in the chamber and you may be touching cotton before you know it. Guys will often joke about farts by telling other guys to check their shorts, or ask if they’re turtleheading, but every once in a while you’ll see your friend squint, let one fly and then immediately give that bitter beer face and you know they flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami… this is a dangerous fart, but can be rewarding, because we all know that letting a shit have the time to proper develop is extremely important (but that’s probably another blog for another time).
Non-sequitur, right before I started writing this list, I grabbed some chocolate mousse, and now that I’m looking at it… I think I’m going to have to trade it in for an italian ice. What a vulgar dessert.
6. The Gas Chamber
The 20th Century gave us many great inventions. Televisions, the Internet, Mobile Phones, Nu Metal, and Goober Grape are on that list. However, some great inventions can be used for evil. One of those inventions are automatic windows with children’s lock in an automobile. Sure, most of the time we’re grateful that we don’t have to crank down the window, and I can’t tell you how many children I’ve lost because they were able to open windows when I didn’t want them too, but… sometimes power can corrupt. When you group together some guys on a road trip, and you give one of them the ability to control all the windows for everyone, as well as the thermostat, you have to have assurances that he will not turn it into a gas chamber. When executed correctly the gaseous emissions should not begin until 20% of the trip has already passed. At this point, you must close and LOCK all windows, perhaps under the guise of using the A/C or listening to a particularly good song you know everyone will enjoy (anything off Zeppelin III will do the trick). At this point, once everyone has forgotten that you closed the windows you should subtly start making it warmer. When it’s right at the point before your compatriots realize that it’s getting warm, you unleash with the full brunt of your anal fury. You deluge them with the unrelenting flavors of your innards and you start absolutely BLASTING steam out of the vents. Their first move will be to open the window, but you’ve taken care of that. You’re driving so they won’t risk peril by physically forcing you to turn the locks on, so you have them at your mercy. Whomever is riding shotgun will likely turn off the heat, but the damage has already been done and you’ve established your dominance. After a few more minutes in the gas chamber, you finally tease them a little with not being able to find the windows lock. Finally, they will open the windows, stick their heads out and take in the sweet air of freedom, grateful to have their lives back. For the rest of the trip you are royalty and they will be your serfs. That’s just how it works.
5. Going Up
This might not be something that everyone can relate to, but it’s something I have experienced and must recommend to everyone. Fart in a crowded elevator. Do it. Don’t question me. Don’t make that “I don’t understand” look at your computer right now (people know you’re not working when you do that). Go, right now, and fart in a crowded elevator. It will change the way you look at the world. Typically, you’d prefer it to be silent but deadly so that you can watch it roll over the passengers like a grotesque wave at a boring baseball game but honestly, making it loud is fun too. Humans are not used to someone so imposing as to just let one fly in a crowded elevator. They will be repulsed but astonished. Someone may try to punch you. It will be worth it. Be it silent or voluminous, the end result is the same; that these people are at the elevator’s mercy and trapped in this enclosed space with this ectoplasmic fume. To look into their faces is to look into the eye of tragedy and write it to your soul.
4. Going Down
This one is the exact opposite of the one before it (what did you think it was? A blumpkin? You’re perverted). This is to fart in an empty elevator. For one, it’s great because having a mind-blowing wind movement in solitude is always a spiritual experience. The other reason it’s great is because once you get to the lobby and get out, someone else is going to get into that elevator, and they’re probably not going to realize what’s going on until the doors are closed and it’s too late. When leaving behind a little something for future generations, I suggest you smile and the person that’s going to go in and give them a genial verbal greeting. That will put their head in a positive place so that when those doors close it will scare them even more when the ghost of fatty meals past comes out, stares them in the face and yells “None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me” like Rorschach in “Watchmen”. If it’s an elderly southern woman (as it is in all my deepest fantasies) then I imagine she will fan her face, say “oh dear” and then pass out. The doors will open on the elevator and a nigh watchman will find this woman and see the tangible physical representation of failure. It will haunt his dreams.
3. The Dalton
Yes, I named this after the bouncer at the Double Deuce. That’s right, I just went Swayze all over your asses, so you know that I’m serious. Anyway, this is called the Dalton, because if there’s one thing that Dalton could do without breaking a sweat, that’s empty out a bar by ejecting motherfuckers like they were bags of peanuts at Yankee Stadium. The Dalton is when you’re able to lay down a track so insidious that you’re able to actually clear out a bar or other public place. To do this, you need to hit open something so vile that others’ brains will not be able to register as something human. To clear out a bar, or some portion of it, is something that you should be able to put on your man resume. To fart at a crowded bar is a total dick move, to fart in such an aggressive manner as to cause other people to switch venues is something to be respected. Like in many of our other scenarios, you have asserted your province over your fellow man and lived to tell the tale. Everyone likes their own flavor, which is why every teenage boy has cupped their own fart with no one around. The people you came with might not like you very much after this, but God Damn it, they will respect you.
2. 2 Men, 1 Stank
Sometimes, you need someone to push you to a new level of greatness. Bird had Magic. McGwire had Sosa. The Beatles had the Stones. Biggie had Tupac. I have my roommate. You put two hungover guys in a room together, you put the women and children to bed and let it fly. Someone will throw the first barrage, just some “how you doing” jabs, then the other will respond with something a little more aggressive and so begins the dance of life, death, and forgotten tomorrows. Before we know it, we’re in the 12th round, our faces are swollen and we’re just waiting to either feel or land the final haymaker. The air is rancid with radioactive funk, and if anyone else were to come in, they would be horrified and may respond to the odor by running out the door and throwing themselves down the first flight of stairs they come across like the priest at the end of “The Exorcist”. Finally, the bell rings, and before the judges can hand in their scorecards you need to embrace your other competitor; because win, lose, or draw; you have created something together that has made both of you better people. You’ve both paid the price and lived to tell the tale. You’re men, and now you know exactly what that means.
SIDEBAR – HALL OF FAME: The Cup
We all know “The Cup”. It’s when you cup a fart in your hand and then quickly throw the gas either at yourself or an unsuspecting bystander. This is such a classic move that I have decided that it is already in the Hall of Fame and would not be receiving any votes from the academy. It’s a move that every teenage boy with a sibling or a friend has pulled, and I think everyone has been on the receiving end at least once. To cup yourself is to inhale a fresh morning dew on the first day or spring, to spread your winds and glide on the breeze of joy, or to find happiness at the end of a rainbow. To smell someone else’s cup is to be scarred, to know fear, and to burn at the Man-Thing’s touch. We salute you Hollis “The Cup” Livingstone, for inventing the cup maneuver back in Australia in 1896. A donation in his name has been given to the “Make a Wish” Foundation in celebration of this achievement. I only wish he could be alive to see how he’s changed the course of human history.
1. The Dutch Oven
When we polled the academy, it was clear that the Dutch Oven was going to take first place, as it brought in more than 72% of the first place votes. Impressive when you’re on a ballot against “The Dalton”. Anyway, I hope everyone knows what this is, because to not know what this is… is like not being able to hear Beethoven, or see Magritte, or taste filet mignon, or feel an eskimo kiss from Hideki Matsui. A Dutch Oven is when you’re in bed and you trap someone else under the covers and fart, so that they are trapped there with it. Since you’re in bed with the person, more than likely this person is going to be a romantic partner. I will warn that most woman will not see the humor in this move and there can be some very serious repercussions that will impact your immediate sexual destiny. However, I will tell you that there is a possibility of something wonderful happening. It’s possible that you’ve met your soul mate and you don’t know it yet. You will hold her under the covers after you blast has reverberated through her brain like a trumpet blast from Louis Armstrong and you will be laughing, tickling and wrestling, and eventually you’ll let her up from under the covers, she won’t be upset, she’ll see the humor in what you did and she won’t have minded your scent. She’ll say nothing, but you’ll be able to read this from her face. You’ll slowly and deliberately go in for a kiss and when your lips meet, all the solid parts of your bodies will sublimate in the vapors of perfection and float you on to your own personal Valhalla, where you will be able to relish your passionate indulgences until you’re ready to rejoin the mortal world, aware that absolution is still possible in uncertain times. You will be a paragon of romance and will teach all others that true love is possible. We all are looking to find someone to share our lives with, someone to take part in all the things that are important to us… we’re all looking for someone to share our smell… I wish you all the best in finding that person.
Source: http://zombiezebra.com/2009/06/07/the-top-10-most-satisfying-farts-a-man-can-have/
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