10 Most Overrated Supporting Characters In Movie History

10. Darth Maul, “Star Wars: Episode 1

Has there ever been a more out of whack Halloween-costumes-to-actually-doing-sh*t-in-the-movie ratio in pop culture history? At least Quail Man occassionally spoke complete sentences; Darth Maul is the most obviously-played-by-stuntman-who-causes-himself-pain-whenever- he-tries-to-speak-English character this side of Bane. In retrospect, Maul getting sliced in half at the end of “Phantom Menace” almost seems like preemptive retribution to punish people for making his image way more popular than it deserved to be. If only the same fate had befallen Jar-Jar…

9. Vincent Vega, “Pulp Fiction”

Have you seen “Pulp Fiction” in the last two years? Almost every aspect of the movie still completely justifies its film-student poster-worship, with the throbbing exception of every single line uttered by John Travolta, which will, one after another, make you convinced that someone has gone back and made his acting worse because there’s no way you didn’t notice how bad it was the first time you watched it. Remember when critics were declaring “Travolta’s back!” and praising Tarantino’s offbeat casting choice and getting Travolta nominated for a Best Actor Oscar? Just goes to show that if you eat nothing but poop-corn for ten years (”Look Who’s Talking Now”) and someone gives you a slice of Sbarro’s pizza, you’re gonna be raving about how awesome the pizza is.

8. The Scorpion King, “The Mummy Returns” and “The Scorpion King”

What ether-sniffing Hollywood producer saw The Rock rolling into the final battle in “Mummy Returns” with his torso CGI’d onto a scorpion body and said “THAT NEEDS TO BE ITS OWN FILM”? On one hand, the spin-off did perform decently at the box office, but on the other hand, it is The Rock and he is literally a scorpion. I can’t stress that point enough. Here are some other spin-offs I would have preferred to see: John Goodman from “Lebowski” and he is a mongoose. Matt Dillon from “Something About Mary” and he is Lucy, the early human skeleton. The Rock from “The Scorpion King” and he is Rockefeller Plaza made out of rocks…

7. Timon and Pumba, “The Lion King”

This one isn’t so much the characters’ faults; the wisdom of Nathan Lane and That Other Dude prevented a tempermental Simba from comitting suicide and helped him grow up and stop being voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas with just a couple simple cross-fades. The subsequent exploitation of “Hakuna Matata” by Disney, however, was beyond insufferable; I recall going to Disney World in the late 90s and hearing that song in every restaurant, bathroom stall, and hotel bed to the point where I was longing for “It’s a Small World.” Also, I didn’t pick “Small World” because it’s an example of another annoying song, I say that because I had my first kiss inside the “Small World” ride and often long for the memory of it. I was thirty-one.

6. Goose, “Top Gun”

What’s wrong with Goose?? Well, I’ll tell you. 1) He is played by Anthony Edwards and the words “Nerd” or “ER Season 1? are not in the title. 2) He dies by ejecting himself into the roof of his own plane during a flight exercise. How does a navigator in the top .000001% of the military have that happen to him? That’s the kind of sh*t your spastic friend who always spills drinks on you when he’s sober would do if he were a pilot, and he will never be a pilot. And while we’re on the topic, Goose doesn’t even look that good shirtless. Yeah, I said it. If you have a problem with that, fine, I’ll eject you into the roof of your own plane.

5. Queen Elizabeth, “Shakespeare In Love”

Move over Ed Harris in “The Hours” and William Hurt in “A History of Violence” — not only did Judi Dench snag a random, undeserved, “hey, thanks for doing a mainstream movie!” Oscar nomination for a role that totalled less than ten minutes of actual screen time, she actually f***ing WON THE OSCAR. Apparently someone in the Academy confused the “Best Supporting Actress” Oscar with the “Best Guest Appearance” Emmy they throw at Alfre Woodard every year. While we’re at it, let’s give Vin Diesel an Oscar for his cameo at the end of “Fast and the Furious 3?. I’m only half-joking.

4. Slimer, “Ghostbusters” and “Ghostbusters 2

Apparently, some talent scout liked what he saw in Slimer’s off-camera sliming of Bill Murray in the first “Ghostbusters” movie and swallowing of a bunch of hot dogs during a montage in “Ghostbusters 2? to make him a crucial main character (and good guy who could kind of talk) in “The Real Ghostbusters” cartoon, as well as to make sure Slimer was involved in every single “Ghostbusters” toy and action figure ever manufactured. Literally every single one. Even the Egon action figure was secretly just Slimer in a human costume, if you read the instruction manual. Also, every Ninja Turles figure was also Slimer, somehow. It’s true — look it up.

3. Pedro, “Napoleon Dynamite”

Here’s a list of people I would vote for over Pedro: Richard Dreyfuss in “The American President”; Dave from “Dave”; The Distinguished Gentleman; the senator in “X-Men” who wants to kill all mutants; the Cubs’ manager in “Rookie of the Year”; Hilary Swank at the end of “Million Dollar Baby”; GEORGE W. BUSH!!! (huge obligatory applause from my preaching-to-the-choir “View” audience)… There’s nothing to actively dislike about Pedro, but that’s only because there’s nothing to actively anything about Pedro, he has no discernable characteristics whatsoever. What’s the sense in devoting a line of referential t-shirts to a candidate whose entire platform consisted of “hey, watch my quirky friend dance in a calculatedly impromptu fashion”?

2. Gandalf, “Lord of the Rings” trilogy

What kind of supposed legendary wizard and immortal magical entity makes it through three fifteen hour movies and casts ONE frickin’ magic spell, and it’s a ray of light that makes goofy bat-creatures disperse? Jesus Christ, GOB averages more than one magic trick per episode of “Arrested Development”, and they’re usually more impressive. Gandalf gets the crap kicked out of him by Sauramon, he’s conveniently absent in key dilemmas (even worse in “The Hobbit”, too), and he speaks in nonsensical, vaguely whimsical wizard inside jokes. Oooh, he killed a Balrog, congratugoddamnlations. Call me back when he beats a Vega.

1. Boba Fett, “Star Wars” saga

Libraries of fan fiction and expanded universe novels, priceless action figures, amazingly detailed homemade costumes featuring working grappling hooks and jet packs, and for what?? A dude who shows up for eight seconds in “Jedi” and is immediately and very easily killed. He only manages to capture Han Solo in “Empire” with help from Vader and the entire frickin’ Empire, much as the Dolphins’ Zach Thomas jumps onto piles long after plays are over and gets credited for tackles. No other character in cinematic history has produced a subsequent fan following so disproportionate to his actual on-screen accomplishments; nerds wearing Boba Fett costumes have probably killed more people than Boba Fett actually does in the trilogy. Can we please drop the shenanigans and at least focus the crazy fan-energy on a random supporting character that at least deserves it?
Wedge, perhaps?

Anyone we’re missing? Leave your own overrated supporting characters in the comments!

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